Etiquette - Play Dates - Playdate Etiquette for Nervous Mommies

The modern day alternative to spontaneous neighborhood play: planned playdates.  Are you full of questions about playdates?  How do you know that your child will get along with the new playdate pal?  What do you do when the other mom doesn’t share your style of parenting or your values and desires?  Be prepared and don’t assume.  Here are some tips to help you along: 

• Discuss your expectations with your child. If your child is the guest, let her know that she needs to listen to the other mom, be polite, and clean up after herself. Remind her to always try and solve problems fairly with no yelling or hitting. If you are the host, talk with your child about what kinds of things would be fun to do, like games or dress-up play. Discuss or remind what sharing means and not to solve problems with yelling or hitting.
• If you’re the host, be sure to put away breakables and anything that should not be shared with a younger child for safety reasons. Also put away any toys that you know are your child’s favorites and that she might have trouble sharing with others – let her decide before your guest arrives. Remind your child what sharing is about. Review your home or play area for any child-proofing needs.
• Have an end time; plan for short and simple. Specific start and end times make for successful play dates. Most young kids have a specific “window” of social and emotional abilities and beyond that you may have a crabby child on your hands. One and a half to two hours is a good time frame to shoot for.
• Children are more social when parents aren’t hovering over and directing them, so plan simple activities for them like pretend play with plenty of props, tent building with sheets, or a (pretend) tea party – keep it simple and let them do something that they like.

• Ask the other parent about any allergies or food preferences. It’s always nice (and safe) to be mindful of guest’s dietary needs when planning snacks. On that same note, when you’re the parent of the guest, try and respect different eating preferences. What I mean by that is – a little sugar on a playdate won’t damage your child’s health. It’s okay to nicely ask that your child not be given too much sugary foods, though. If you’re the guest, you can offer to bring a snack with you for the kids.
• Make sure to clarify your preference regarding runny noses or other cold symptoms. Some parents may be more offended than others when a child comes over to their house for a playdate with a runny nose, regardless of what color it is. Communication is essential. Let the host parent know if your child has any symptoms and let her decide whether or not to reschedule the playdate. Don’t drop off your child or bring your child to a playdate and “act dumb” by pretending that you didn’t notice any symptoms prior to coming.

• Be on time. It’s not only respectful, but the hostess may not have the flexibility to extend the playdate time frame if you show up late.
• Let your guests know what your house rules are, such as no jumping on the beds, no pulling the cat’s tail. If the guests haven’t been to your house before, give a quick tour so they know where the bathrooms are and what rooms may be off-limits.
• Supervise active kids. Initially, it’s okay to try and let the kids work out any disputes that may occur on their own, but younger children especially need guidance. Some children may be more timid than others and may need some help standing up to bullying or bossiness. Some children need help learning to use words instead of hands or feet to communicate their feelings.
• If your guest’s mom will not be staying at your house during the playdate, make sure you get all of the contact information for her and that she’ll be 100% accessible, and vice-versa. The general rule is that the guest’s parent should be present at the playdate if the child is younger than 4 years old.

• The guest should help with clean up; the parent’s help is usually required – and you can pitch in, too!
• Reciprocate. All moms need a break from being the hostess. Your child can also learn valuable lessons from being both a gracious host as well as a polite, respectful guest.